Contraditions

"I do not know why but I defended him to others and hated him myself."

- Mercy Among The Children


-scars deeper than love : sangmi lina & hero jaejoong

"Mother"

Even when that time comes,
Mom will always be Mom.

You will always be my mother no matter what happens.

-Those words, even now i still don't understand them.


end of quote.


-sunny day, rainy day : zhang liyin

one step at a time

before having grand wishes, ambitions and other shiiiz
i think its best that i take a deep breath and focus on me as a person
and me in happiness

i want to work on myself before i can work on the world
i want to learn to mature and take the first step before having grand dreams about it

idk how to start it and idk what to work on
but ill take a deep breath, look up at the sky and God smiling down on me through the sun rays hitting on my face and the wind kissing my cheeks,
and then smile
because it will work out as long as i keep walking forwards

and then take my first step

idk where im going but first im gonna take the first step forwards


-one step at a time : jordin sparks

revisit

so i take that back
(or maybe im in nature very optimistic)
either way i think the things we do are so contrasting but the same amount of efforts and feelings are the same
i focus on emotional while shes more practical. 
so i think i should be more noticing and understanding in that aspect
but when i look at her i cant help but to feel so "neglected" LOL
so i cant deny what i said before. 
there is still insanity. 
when i hurt myself and i cry, its not outta pain but outta happiness that she cares that im in pain. 
im dense so i need little things like this. 
im sensitive, selfish, ignorant and naive. the perfect ingredients to brew insanity. 
hopefully my other qualities, whatever they are, can stop this. 
i need to mature up. 
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh


-better in time : leona lewis

piss off piss off; girl you make me pissed off

i absolutely hate being in your presence.
i hate being near you, seeing you, hearing you.
i told you didnt i ?
if you fucking hate me kill me
dont stand there complaining
if you think my eyes cause you problems, carve it out
if you think my breath smells, cut my tongue off
if you think im ugly, shave off my face
if you think im a waste of space, clear me out

i dont need you to tell me all that bullcrap
youre job is to say three words
but you never do
everyday i wanna talk to you, and you know it
but you ignore me
i ask you how was your day in hope to start a convo and make you take some interest in me

but im sick of kissing up your ass
im not your slave. im not your employee.
your not my queen. your not my god
your my fucking mother
and im your fucking daughter
and we're a fucking family
show it.

and you wanna baby sit and adopt children ?
make sure your eldest daughter is taken care of first

im a disappointment ?
but ive TRIED
you never did. you never took a step outside
you never suffered while moving forwards with hope.
i do that everyday like some begging dog
at least a dog gets what they are begging for.

i fucking hate you
i hate you
and i fucking hate this love-hate relationship
im fucking hate looking forward to getting beaten so i can have your sole individed attention
i fucking hate it. i dont wanna be inferior anymore
why else do you think ive been lashing out to so many ppl recently
ive had enough.


-love the way you lie part 1 : eminem ft. rihanna

anything

anything could happen.
all the possibilities laid bare
like a deck of cards spread out in front of the players
any one can be pick.
anything can happen.

i have a license in emergency first aid.
i have been trained every year emergency first aid and other safety procedures

...i never thought there would be a day i had to use them.


God, please keep my mother safe
i think she deserves happiness more than anyone.
I dont know what i'd do without her.

Please bless her in the name of Jesus Christ, Our Saviour,
Amen.

i swear

my goal by the end up this month, my skin is going to be flawless

love the way you lie

i have an issue with trust despite all you did even now im afraid of trusting you comletely. no.. maybe the real reason is because i dont want to give you everything and lay down all my trust or its going to suffocate me. on the other hand i tend to destroy the people closest to me. and not that i want to destroy you cuz i want to be free. im the type that wants to push you away and yet make sure youre the closest thing to me. both ideas disgusts me and i dont really know what i want.

truthfully you knowing about me more than the average person makes me uncomfortable. it drives me nuts actually. i need space and at the same time i need close proximity. i guess what i really need is flexibility. can you handle that ? do i even want you to ? when i see you put in the effort for me, i feel bad. cuz i cant give you the same. the closer you get to me the more id want you and yet want to destroy you even more. can you find me ?

just gonna stand there and watch me burn.
but thats alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but thats alright because i like the way you lie

its still nice knowing you care. thank you :)

twenty-double-onee

you'd think this post would be on new year's resolutions right ? but no, i've given up on those things LOL screeew thaaaat. never stays and works. they practically dont exist. who even remembers them anyway ?
i guess the things i'd like to work on would be keeping myself calm and collected with a strong set of mind on my destination and to be on schedule, no more slacking. but then thats something i've been working on since ever hahaha but with next semester i'd practially be a senior so i really need to pull up my game.

on another note, its january, and.. it is pouring outside :$ no, not snow. RAIN. 비. and i live in canada, not south america. so why ? why ? there's not even snow on the ground. did God accidentally thought it was spring already with the new years ? O_O

anyways, i have a good feeling about this year. the fact that i woke up feeling great today despite going to sleep with a migraine. im on good terms with my familiy today too. the mental guy in our house is outta my life. and i ate a healthy jewish breakfast. and and and 재천수호민's all coming back. im so excited. seriously can't wait for the new music essay and keep your head down. yaay ! and not to mention, 재.엘르 went and got me the beginning all the way from Korea ! love her. i think she's coming back today. wishing her a safe trip as always~!

i keep saying this but its never really been done, but i really need to go to a church soon. been meaning to but theres just none near me so it makes it even less motivated haha. but soon, I will go visit Your House soon, Father :)


Happy New Year Everyone !!




Please God, bless the world with happiness for this new year. Let there be no war, no hate but peace and love. Let us move into the new year with a joyful, helping heart so that there would be no more despair and darkness.

In Jesus' name, I pray
Amen


-gift pt.1 : park hyoshin (박효신)

Wonders of His Love (8)

this year im really excited for christmas.
maybe cuz everything's just in the right place y'know.
Mariah Carey's christmas album is like on replay.
the snow is so wonderfully perfect this year.
and my family put the decorations up.

my dad doing the technical party - the lights.
of course. my mom getting all the handy-dandy stuff together - tape, scissors, clean-up ahaha
and me and my little sister putting everything in its place.

i dont know. maybe cuz this year the mood at our house is really great.
and im just really happy and excited haha



God please give your blessing to the world this Christmas and many to come for the New Year. Please make sure that there is no suffering, sadness, death, loneliness and negativity at this time. If someone is suffering, please make sure that they are found so we can offer our hands to them for warmth.

In the name of Jesus our Lord, I pray
Amen.


-joy to the world : mariah carey

Reminiscin' over.. (8)

yesterday, i went to visit my piano teacher.
I had quit piano about 4 years ago. and haven't seen my piano teacher since.
recently, my little sister started learning from her again. but i never got the chance to say hi.
So i went yesterday with a little bouquet for her for christmas, and also, as thanks i guess.
though 4 years may not seem long in words, but in reality, it was quite the gap.

it was quite emotional and i wasn't expecting that. I didn't realize until then how close we were and how much we had together.
She watched me grow up and has been with me throughout the years since i was 6 years old. Although i left her for two years to study with a Chinese teacher, i came back to her and started my official piano education in terms of examinations. It was with her and at that time we began our journey through the piano requirement levels, year by year, half year by half year, while seeing each other week by week every thursday at 4PM.

she told me how i was really special to her, and a brilliant student in piano. how she, after 4 years, did not forget the song i played which gave her goosebumps. and how she never had another student like me and that i was the best.

y'know those things that you dont say to each other while you're going through it, or you don't really emphasize it while you're in the present. but when that time has become the past and you sit down and reminisce, you mention it and the significance and the thoughts of each other at that time.

and thats when you realize how dear it is. She was like my mother - my mother of music, who knew me inside and out. She said that i was a perfectionist of every detail. because i cared so much to not care. because i was so sensitive. it was then that i almost broke down because she knew so much about me just through music and i realized how much we held of each other. I am not one to speak about myself and for her to know that, it really touched me. my mother then mentioned that even now, I would sometimes play the piano and she said of course, because it has become ingrained in my life - music and the piano. and like my mother said, it was because she had such an influence over me.

because of what she had said, of how much ... love, respect, and endearment she had for me, it really made me want to work harder. become a better person; just because of what she said.

thinking back now haha, really we shared so much in our one hour per week lessons. after school, i'd be so tired i'd be half asleep in her lessons. she would then give me mint chocolate to try to wake me up. and then there were times i'd get so irritated at her for correcting me so many times (when the fault was obviously mine haha). there were also times where she would show me how the piece was played. i'd scoot over on the piano seat and she would move in and start her magic. those times were we had ear tests and i'd sit facing the window, staring at the snow filled landscapes and red trailer-trucks driving by, while struggling to learn what she was playing for me so i can play it back by ear. how i completely sucked and she'd try to help me by playing the melody louder, and then giving me the hint to the first note haha. oh and the neighbour's cat that would always come and sleep on her couch and she'd tell us how it hates men by likes girls. i even remember that embarrassing time where my dad sang the Red River song that i played when she still taught at the music school. LOL oh maan.

and ya.. y'know those little things.

it was really nice seeing her again. i didn't expect i would get this sorta ... enlightment ahaha.
its nice, being able to really reminiscence about things. it gives you a new sense of direction instead of being so aimless in life. it also made me feel that to have gotten to this point today, i didn't just stumble over and end up here but, i was lead here, and walked a distinct path that made up who i am. that i had a purpose. and that i have a purpose.

I am really thankful to her. she was the one who gave me the only hope that i have in my life - music. its the one thing that no matter what: how i am beaten down, no matter how many things have been taken away, no matter how much and what i lose, music is the one thing that i would always have by my side until i die even after death.



God please give her happiness and keep her safe and healthy.

In the name of Jesus our Lord, I pray
Amen


-Friend - Chingu (친구) : T.O.P & TaeYang (태양) Big Bang (빅뱅)

When We'll Be Together (8)

HoMin is coming back. i'm really happy for them but it really pisses me off that they are called TVXQ, that everyone is refering to them as TVXQ. but they're not. they're HoMin. there is no TVXQ if they are not 5 singing together.

it breaks my heart that when JaeChunSu came back, people were like "JYJ'S BACK"
but when HoMin comes back, people are like "TVXQ'S BACK"

maybe i'm being insecure and immature. but..
i really just miss them. and it just seems that they're never gonna come back as 5
and that no one's fighting for them anymore because as long as they sing and make music, nothing matters.
but.. i still miss the 5.

or maybe the truth is with SM supporting HoMin, they would no doubt receive success.
but JYJ, in a mediocre company, seems to be forgotten more and more.
because even now, before HoMin's album even came out, they have more success than JYJ
if i'm feeling like this ? how do they feel ? regret ? or are they more mature and just feel humble and gracious ?

God, please give them happiness.

In Christ's name,
Amen


-i wanna hold you : dbsk

epik high.

so i had my little vocal competition/audition whatevz (i didn't even care enough about it..)
and obviously, being completely unprepared,
having a vocal breakdown for a week for God-knows-what-reason,
and procrastinating and didn't think it was a big thing until i got there,
it was an epic fail.

first of all, i thought it was gonna be like an sm audition,
go to some room, sing, go home, and they call you etc.
but no, it was on stage, in the middle of a mall, with an audience.
YAY !

like i didn't even get dressed properly cuz like in an audition
you shouldn't overdress and have make-up right ?
so i fully went there with sweats (i had jeans underneath, thank god),
boyfriend shirts (i tied the bottom so it looked.. better..), and a
naked face (thank god i just so happened to have left my make-up in my bag).
and uh, suddenly, i had an audience. not good

so obviously i panicked and did. horrible. HORRIBLE. HOR. RI. BLE. lol
but whatever, i still got into this so-called "round-two".
and like my vocal teacher (ya, the same crazy one from my other blog)
keeps making me sing Celine Dion and all these hard songs.
when i obviously have trouble with. I can only pull it off about 98% on a good day.
and this week was just BAD. and i couldn't sing anything.
and he made me sing TO LOVE YOU MORE. TO LOVE YOU MORE.
like ... im just flabbergasted.

LOL well anyways, the aftermath was that the "judges" critiqued and gave advice.

• choose a suitable song (ahem) within your range, so even if you get nervous, you don't lose it
• dont be nervous (cuz thats so easy to do)
• practise
• use the stage, dont just stand there.

So i'm trying to look for a song for me right now. well at least i learned something.
I'm looking for a suitable song to sing now.. hmm..

-slow motion : karina pasian

Strength & Love

i realized that "strong" is a very hard word to achieve.
and it takes a lot of time and... just.. time.
but i also found out today, that im not alone and discarded.
i think this is a good start. but the important things is:
i can start now and i can see where i need to go now.
i love you.. thank you.. [minyi]

-dear. mom : snsd (8)

"I wanna be up there so bad."

I saw Burlesque today. It was utterly, spectacularly amazing.
Christina Aguilera is absolutely, breathtakingly outstanding.
It made me cry, i really look up to her. and i really wish I could sing like her.
She and the movie was such an inspiration. I will work harder.

-last of me : cher (8)