Contraditions

"I do not know why but I defended him to others and hated him myself."

- Mercy Among The Children


-scars deeper than love : sangmi lina & hero jaejoong

one step at a time

before having grand wishes, ambitions and other shiiiz
i think its best that i take a deep breath and focus on me as a person
and me in happiness

i want to work on myself before i can work on the world
i want to learn to mature and take the first step before having grand dreams about it

idk how to start it and idk what to work on
but ill take a deep breath, look up at the sky and God smiling down on me through the sun rays hitting on my face and the wind kissing my cheeks,
and then smile
because it will work out as long as i keep walking forwards

and then take my first step

idk where im going but first im gonna take the first step forwards


-one step at a time : jordin sparks

i swear

my goal by the end up this month, my skin is going to be flawless

Reminiscin' over.. (8)

yesterday, i went to visit my piano teacher.
I had quit piano about 4 years ago. and haven't seen my piano teacher since.
recently, my little sister started learning from her again. but i never got the chance to say hi.
So i went yesterday with a little bouquet for her for christmas, and also, as thanks i guess.
though 4 years may not seem long in words, but in reality, it was quite the gap.

it was quite emotional and i wasn't expecting that. I didn't realize until then how close we were and how much we had together.
She watched me grow up and has been with me throughout the years since i was 6 years old. Although i left her for two years to study with a Chinese teacher, i came back to her and started my official piano education in terms of examinations. It was with her and at that time we began our journey through the piano requirement levels, year by year, half year by half year, while seeing each other week by week every thursday at 4PM.

she told me how i was really special to her, and a brilliant student in piano. how she, after 4 years, did not forget the song i played which gave her goosebumps. and how she never had another student like me and that i was the best.

y'know those things that you dont say to each other while you're going through it, or you don't really emphasize it while you're in the present. but when that time has become the past and you sit down and reminisce, you mention it and the significance and the thoughts of each other at that time.

and thats when you realize how dear it is. She was like my mother - my mother of music, who knew me inside and out. She said that i was a perfectionist of every detail. because i cared so much to not care. because i was so sensitive. it was then that i almost broke down because she knew so much about me just through music and i realized how much we held of each other. I am not one to speak about myself and for her to know that, it really touched me. my mother then mentioned that even now, I would sometimes play the piano and she said of course, because it has become ingrained in my life - music and the piano. and like my mother said, it was because she had such an influence over me.

because of what she had said, of how much ... love, respect, and endearment she had for me, it really made me want to work harder. become a better person; just because of what she said.

thinking back now haha, really we shared so much in our one hour per week lessons. after school, i'd be so tired i'd be half asleep in her lessons. she would then give me mint chocolate to try to wake me up. and then there were times i'd get so irritated at her for correcting me so many times (when the fault was obviously mine haha). there were also times where she would show me how the piece was played. i'd scoot over on the piano seat and she would move in and start her magic. those times were we had ear tests and i'd sit facing the window, staring at the snow filled landscapes and red trailer-trucks driving by, while struggling to learn what she was playing for me so i can play it back by ear. how i completely sucked and she'd try to help me by playing the melody louder, and then giving me the hint to the first note haha. oh and the neighbour's cat that would always come and sleep on her couch and she'd tell us how it hates men by likes girls. i even remember that embarrassing time where my dad sang the Red River song that i played when she still taught at the music school. LOL oh maan.

and ya.. y'know those little things.

it was really nice seeing her again. i didn't expect i would get this sorta ... enlightment ahaha.
its nice, being able to really reminiscence about things. it gives you a new sense of direction instead of being so aimless in life. it also made me feel that to have gotten to this point today, i didn't just stumble over and end up here but, i was lead here, and walked a distinct path that made up who i am. that i had a purpose. and that i have a purpose.

I am really thankful to her. she was the one who gave me the only hope that i have in my life - music. its the one thing that no matter what: how i am beaten down, no matter how many things have been taken away, no matter how much and what i lose, music is the one thing that i would always have by my side until i die even after death.



God please give her happiness and keep her safe and healthy.

In the name of Jesus our Lord, I pray
Amen


-Friend - Chingu (친구) : T.O.P & TaeYang (태양) Big Bang (빅뱅)

epik high.

so i had my little vocal competition/audition whatevz (i didn't even care enough about it..)
and obviously, being completely unprepared,
having a vocal breakdown for a week for God-knows-what-reason,
and procrastinating and didn't think it was a big thing until i got there,
it was an epic fail.

first of all, i thought it was gonna be like an sm audition,
go to some room, sing, go home, and they call you etc.
but no, it was on stage, in the middle of a mall, with an audience.
YAY !

like i didn't even get dressed properly cuz like in an audition
you shouldn't overdress and have make-up right ?
so i fully went there with sweats (i had jeans underneath, thank god),
boyfriend shirts (i tied the bottom so it looked.. better..), and a
naked face (thank god i just so happened to have left my make-up in my bag).
and uh, suddenly, i had an audience. not good

so obviously i panicked and did. horrible. HORRIBLE. HOR. RI. BLE. lol
but whatever, i still got into this so-called "round-two".
and like my vocal teacher (ya, the same crazy one from my other blog)
keeps making me sing Celine Dion and all these hard songs.
when i obviously have trouble with. I can only pull it off about 98% on a good day.
and this week was just BAD. and i couldn't sing anything.
and he made me sing TO LOVE YOU MORE. TO LOVE YOU MORE.
like ... im just flabbergasted.

LOL well anyways, the aftermath was that the "judges" critiqued and gave advice.

• choose a suitable song (ahem) within your range, so even if you get nervous, you don't lose it
• dont be nervous (cuz thats so easy to do)
• practise
• use the stage, dont just stand there.

So i'm trying to look for a song for me right now. well at least i learned something.
I'm looking for a suitable song to sing now.. hmm..

-slow motion : karina pasian

la scieeence.

i just had a dream earlier on that i was being disected by a rapist.
but luckily jaejoong and some other hotty (luka?) came and rescued me.
and there was this gruesome scene were my intestines were in sea of blood in the bathtub.
obvs, i woke up after that.

i wonder if its cuz -dee/ef- said earlier how she disected a grasshopper in bio.
so glad i dont take science aha..