Contraditions

"I do not know why but I defended him to others and hated him myself."

- Mercy Among The Children


-scars deeper than love : sangmi lina & hero jaejoong

"Mother"

Even when that time comes,
Mom will always be Mom.

You will always be my mother no matter what happens.

-Those words, even now i still don't understand them.


end of quote.


-sunny day, rainy day : zhang liyin

one step at a time

before having grand wishes, ambitions and other shiiiz
i think its best that i take a deep breath and focus on me as a person
and me in happiness

i want to work on myself before i can work on the world
i want to learn to mature and take the first step before having grand dreams about it

idk how to start it and idk what to work on
but ill take a deep breath, look up at the sky and God smiling down on me through the sun rays hitting on my face and the wind kissing my cheeks,
and then smile
because it will work out as long as i keep walking forwards

and then take my first step

idk where im going but first im gonna take the first step forwards


-one step at a time : jordin sparks

revisit

so i take that back
(or maybe im in nature very optimistic)
either way i think the things we do are so contrasting but the same amount of efforts and feelings are the same
i focus on emotional while shes more practical. 
so i think i should be more noticing and understanding in that aspect
but when i look at her i cant help but to feel so "neglected" LOL
so i cant deny what i said before. 
there is still insanity. 
when i hurt myself and i cry, its not outta pain but outta happiness that she cares that im in pain. 
im dense so i need little things like this. 
im sensitive, selfish, ignorant and naive. the perfect ingredients to brew insanity. 
hopefully my other qualities, whatever they are, can stop this. 
i need to mature up. 
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh


-better in time : leona lewis

piss off piss off; girl you make me pissed off

i absolutely hate being in your presence.
i hate being near you, seeing you, hearing you.
i told you didnt i ?
if you fucking hate me kill me
dont stand there complaining
if you think my eyes cause you problems, carve it out
if you think my breath smells, cut my tongue off
if you think im ugly, shave off my face
if you think im a waste of space, clear me out

i dont need you to tell me all that bullcrap
youre job is to say three words
but you never do
everyday i wanna talk to you, and you know it
but you ignore me
i ask you how was your day in hope to start a convo and make you take some interest in me

but im sick of kissing up your ass
im not your slave. im not your employee.
your not my queen. your not my god
your my fucking mother
and im your fucking daughter
and we're a fucking family
show it.

and you wanna baby sit and adopt children ?
make sure your eldest daughter is taken care of first

im a disappointment ?
but ive TRIED
you never did. you never took a step outside
you never suffered while moving forwards with hope.
i do that everyday like some begging dog
at least a dog gets what they are begging for.

i fucking hate you
i hate you
and i fucking hate this love-hate relationship
im fucking hate looking forward to getting beaten so i can have your sole individed attention
i fucking hate it. i dont wanna be inferior anymore
why else do you think ive been lashing out to so many ppl recently
ive had enough.


-love the way you lie part 1 : eminem ft. rihanna

anything

anything could happen.
all the possibilities laid bare
like a deck of cards spread out in front of the players
any one can be pick.
anything can happen.

i have a license in emergency first aid.
i have been trained every year emergency first aid and other safety procedures

...i never thought there would be a day i had to use them.


God, please keep my mother safe
i think she deserves happiness more than anyone.
I dont know what i'd do without her.

Please bless her in the name of Jesus Christ, Our Saviour,
Amen.

i swear

my goal by the end up this month, my skin is going to be flawless

love the way you lie

i have an issue with trust despite all you did even now im afraid of trusting you comletely. no.. maybe the real reason is because i dont want to give you everything and lay down all my trust or its going to suffocate me. on the other hand i tend to destroy the people closest to me. and not that i want to destroy you cuz i want to be free. im the type that wants to push you away and yet make sure youre the closest thing to me. both ideas disgusts me and i dont really know what i want.

truthfully you knowing about me more than the average person makes me uncomfortable. it drives me nuts actually. i need space and at the same time i need close proximity. i guess what i really need is flexibility. can you handle that ? do i even want you to ? when i see you put in the effort for me, i feel bad. cuz i cant give you the same. the closer you get to me the more id want you and yet want to destroy you even more. can you find me ?

just gonna stand there and watch me burn.
but thats alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but thats alright because i like the way you lie

its still nice knowing you care. thank you :)

twenty-double-onee

you'd think this post would be on new year's resolutions right ? but no, i've given up on those things LOL screeew thaaaat. never stays and works. they practically dont exist. who even remembers them anyway ?
i guess the things i'd like to work on would be keeping myself calm and collected with a strong set of mind on my destination and to be on schedule, no more slacking. but then thats something i've been working on since ever hahaha but with next semester i'd practially be a senior so i really need to pull up my game.

on another note, its january, and.. it is pouring outside :$ no, not snow. RAIN. 비. and i live in canada, not south america. so why ? why ? there's not even snow on the ground. did God accidentally thought it was spring already with the new years ? O_O

anyways, i have a good feeling about this year. the fact that i woke up feeling great today despite going to sleep with a migraine. im on good terms with my familiy today too. the mental guy in our house is outta my life. and i ate a healthy jewish breakfast. and and and 재천수호민's all coming back. im so excited. seriously can't wait for the new music essay and keep your head down. yaay ! and not to mention, 재.엘르 went and got me the beginning all the way from Korea ! love her. i think she's coming back today. wishing her a safe trip as always~!

i keep saying this but its never really been done, but i really need to go to a church soon. been meaning to but theres just none near me so it makes it even less motivated haha. but soon, I will go visit Your House soon, Father :)


Happy New Year Everyone !!




Please God, bless the world with happiness for this new year. Let there be no war, no hate but peace and love. Let us move into the new year with a joyful, helping heart so that there would be no more despair and darkness.

In Jesus' name, I pray
Amen


-gift pt.1 : park hyoshin (박효신)